mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
