Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
