Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
