I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
