Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Four minutes until I can fart!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
