You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
