He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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