dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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