I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
