At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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