you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
