OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
