I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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