My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I need moral support for this bender
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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