So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
