when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now