I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
