i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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