Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
