I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
