i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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