$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
