Need sex. Gaining weight.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
