oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
