Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
