I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
worst night to have a conscience
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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