She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I had to cum in my sink.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
