So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
