it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
