Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
