First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
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He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
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It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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