I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
