and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
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your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
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You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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