this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
