i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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