My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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