Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
