Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
