gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
