we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
