Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
