I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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