how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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