i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
