Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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