i wish my penis had a tongue
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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