Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
