dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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