Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
