So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
