it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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