For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
