That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
