Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
not ubering you a puppy
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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