I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
