I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
