In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
