Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
